My unfocused post - Relationships
Hi everyone, so a while back I was lucky enough to have the amazing Kay on my podcast (Mike's Open Journal) and Kay mentioned writing a blog post for her site. I was delighted to be asked and fully intended to write, well it's mainly typing these days, a post. However I was very fortunate in that I became really busy with the podcast and then quite unfortunate in that I started to have repeated episodes. So this one has been a while in the making.
<Side note, I got distracted and ended up chatting about something different to what I'd planned to write. So I'll have this post and Kay will have to wait for another hahaha>
Truth is I have really been struggling lately with my relationship. I have been seeing someone for about 4 months and it has seemingly raised a lot of unresolved relationship issues within me. At this time too my family has become more aware of the problems I have / am facing, and that's caused more upset for me too.
I have / am finding this really hard because I am so conflicted on so many things. I thought telling you would help, but I'm like, where do I start - what do I say?
Ok, so here goes. As always names are changed.
I met Tina at speed dating, we seemed to hit it off straight away. She was very attractive and seemed super confident and talkative. We went out a few times after speed dating, where we did different things that gave us the chance to talk and find out more about each other. After a while I told Tina about my previous relationship and the fact I am currently affected by a mental health issue. She was amazing with both of these things and our relationship grew stronger.
We spent a little more time together, met each other's friends and Tina met my family. Everything seemed to be going well.
In this time I had had a couple of episodes where I became very emotional and would lash out at myself. It made me even more upset to be like this in front of Tina, it was embarrassing, humiliating and scary. Plus I didn't want her to worry about me.
Still, we got on and I felt like it was under control (it wasn't, but I was trying to ignore it, or make myself not give it recognition).
More recently we begin talking about the future in a more serious way, as I felt my thoughts and behaviours had led to a possible change in what I thought / wanted / believed I could have with regards to family in the future. This caused some confusion in my mindset for me and an annoyance at having to keep saying I don't know or I'm not sure.
What came next was a run of days where I would have episodes that could last from 10 minutes to almost 3 hours.
I began to shut down, thinking the relationship was too much for me. I really liked Tina, but I apparently couldn't process a relationship, having someone again, trusting them, loving them, having them love and care for me.
I found my mind and heart where fighting against each other and themselves.
I think I felt, what I needed to do, is not what I wanted to do.
When I saw Tina I was not able to do what was needed. I kept getting caught up in her. In touching her, holding her, wanting to kiss her. I had to try so hard to not do these things because I felt that was messed up and would cause her more pain and confusion.
The fact that Tina liked me in the beginning is still so cool. I don't think I really thought I would meet someone like her, and that she would like me.
The truth is I was / am struggling with a lot, and that is....exhausting and overwhelming. My struggle is physically and mentally draining. Then when I saw Tina it felt like a positive cloud was around.
However, there are things about being in a relationship that I continue to struggle with. These things: trust, learning to rely on someone, caring and being cared for, sharing not just thoughts and emotions but your whole self with someone else. These are things I think I am still struggling with. To the extent that my body would lose control; twitch, spasm and more.
Talking about ending the relationship was so hard because I felt like Tina got me, like she understood. My heart races when I think of what I've said, and the thought of upsetting Tina and hurting her kills me. But I thought maybe not being together would be best for both of us.
I know I have felt things with Tina I didn't think I would feel again, I found someone that valued, respected, liked and enjoyed being with me. And I know what it feels like when that goes. Maybe I am just trying to protect myself from that again? I don't know.
But one of the things that I have / am struggling with is being in a relationship.
I truly hope Tina finds happiness and love. Things that I feel I am just not capable at this point in time.
This wasn't what I'd planned to about, but I guess that's what's on my mind.
Thanks for reading